Brainstorming
At first I wanted to write something about the history of the EU but then it occurred to me that this topic might be too general for such a short paragraph. Therefore I thought about how the EU affects my very own life and came up with the idea of writing about the Freedom of Movement.
Original Paragraph
In my opinion the Freedom of Movement is the most important benefit the EU has on its citizens. While you still had to pass border and customs controls just to take a trip to Germany not too long ago, you need not even bring a passport with you nowadays. This makes traveling a lot easier for all of us, but the Freedom of Movement also affects the daily lives of many people, because they are now able to work in any EU member country without having to care for visas or work permits. The same goes for students who can study in any member country they choose to. Moreover, the Freedom of Movement allows every EU citizen to live in the EU country they want to while keeping the rights they enjoyed in their countries of origin and therefore making us all equal, regardless of which nation we were born in. Of all aspects of the EU the Freedom of Movement is the one that directly affects the most people’s lives, and usually in a highly beneficial way.
Feedback 1 (Topic Sentence & Register)
I was advised to cross "in my opinion" out of my topic sentence.
The feedback on the register was positive, the only suggestion was that I might use "furthermore" instead of "moreover".
Feedback 2 (Vocab)
My correction partners recommended a small chance for my concluding sentence. I will take out the "the" in front of "most people's lives", because it is unnecessary there. Their second piece of advice was to write "benefits the EU has for its citizens" in the topic sentence.
Final Paragraph
The Freedom of Movement is the most important benefit the EU has for its citizens. While you still had to pass border and customs controls just to take a trip to Germany not too long ago, you need not even bring a passport with you nowadays. This makes traveling a lot easier for all of us, but the Freedom of Movement also affects the daily lives of many people, because they are now able to work in any EU member country without having to care for visas or work permits. The same goes for students who can study in any member country they choose to. Furthermore, the Freedom of Movement allows every EU citizen to live in the EU country they want to while keeping the rights they enjoyed in their countries of origin and therefore making us all equal, regardless of which nation we were born in. Of all aspects of the EU the Freedom of Movement is the one that directly affects most people’s lives, and usually in a highly beneficial way.
At first I wanted to write something about the history of the EU but then it occurred to me that this topic might be too general for such a short paragraph. Therefore I thought about how the EU affects my very own life and came up with the idea of writing about the Freedom of Movement.
Original Paragraph
In my opinion the Freedom of Movement is the most important benefit the EU has on its citizens. While you still had to pass border and customs controls just to take a trip to Germany not too long ago, you need not even bring a passport with you nowadays. This makes traveling a lot easier for all of us, but the Freedom of Movement also affects the daily lives of many people, because they are now able to work in any EU member country without having to care for visas or work permits. The same goes for students who can study in any member country they choose to. Moreover, the Freedom of Movement allows every EU citizen to live in the EU country they want to while keeping the rights they enjoyed in their countries of origin and therefore making us all equal, regardless of which nation we were born in. Of all aspects of the EU the Freedom of Movement is the one that directly affects the most people’s lives, and usually in a highly beneficial way.
Feedback 1 (Topic Sentence & Register)
I was advised to cross "in my opinion" out of my topic sentence.
The feedback on the register was positive, the only suggestion was that I might use "furthermore" instead of "moreover".
Feedback 2 (Vocab)
My correction partners recommended a small chance for my concluding sentence. I will take out the "the" in front of "most people's lives", because it is unnecessary there. Their second piece of advice was to write "benefits the EU has for its citizens" in the topic sentence.
Final Paragraph
The Freedom of Movement is the most important benefit the EU has for its citizens. While you still had to pass border and customs controls just to take a trip to Germany not too long ago, you need not even bring a passport with you nowadays. This makes traveling a lot easier for all of us, but the Freedom of Movement also affects the daily lives of many people, because they are now able to work in any EU member country without having to care for visas or work permits. The same goes for students who can study in any member country they choose to. Furthermore, the Freedom of Movement allows every EU citizen to live in the EU country they want to while keeping the rights they enjoyed in their countries of origin and therefore making us all equal, regardless of which nation we were born in. Of all aspects of the EU the Freedom of Movement is the one that directly affects most people’s lives, and usually in a highly beneficial way.
